2012 brought about such a sweet change in my life.
Last spring, I was encouraged by Ashley to seek out and try the CORE ministry that I had attempted the year prior but was unable to do because of existing commitments. To be honest, I was terrified-- the thought of opening up to complete strangers was daunting... driving to Jacksonville and giving up a night (plus two weekends) away from Mike wasn't appealing and what did I have to change about myself anyways? I was going to church, involved with YoungLife, generally a happy person most of the time. But on the inside, that wasn't entirely true.
Despite being surrounded by a loving husband, family, friends, students, etc., I felt alone.... that nobody truly understood me or the things that I felt. These feelings were confusing, because everything would be wonderful and life was full of excitement, then out of nowhere this despair would creep in and I felt inadequate in every aspect of who I was, as a wife, teacher, friend, whatever. Or Mike would say something in jest and it would cut me to the core, and I'd be unable to recoup, closing myself off from him until the feeling passed.
I had no idea where these feelings came from. My childhood was practically perfect, I was a good kid in high school and college and found my soul mate and an ideal job early on in life. Who was I to feel like this life wasn't good enough, when people around me went through incredible tragedies and loss yet were living life abundantly?
It was a tough place to be, and I was isolated.
Through CORE, I realized that isolation was exactly where the enemy of God wanted me to be. When we are isolated, it's easy to wallow in mediocrity and feelings of inadequacy. We believe the lies that the enemy is feeding us; the lies are what deteriorates our identity, causes derision in our relationships, and brings us to low places. I was at my lowest when CORE began last year.
At the beginning we were asked to reflect on why we were there and what our hopes were-- I wasn't sure exactly why I was there but I knew that something was wrong; I was not myself. At that second session, tears were shed, hearts broken over hearing my sweet sisters' stories, and I knew something monumental was about to take place in Jodi's office that season. It wasn't easy... sharing your life and innermost struggles with women whom you just met isn't supposed to be comfortable, but the freedom I experienced during that spring is unparalleled to anything I've experienced before.
I can now rest in the fact that I am the bride of Christ- that my number one role on this earth is to pursue a relationship with Him. Everything else, my roles as a wife, teacher, friend, daughter... it all falls into place beautifully when my main priority is God. As a woman, I will always struggle with the question, "Am I doing enough?" but I now can detect the lies; I can find ways to stop myself before my thoughts spiral out of control. My relationship with my husband is different- stronger, and I can love him wholly without a damaged perception of myself.
The bonds formed with the women in my group will never be broken. Much was learned through hearing these women's stories... tears and laughter, deep pain and moments of joy that I'll never forget. Though one of our own was called Home this past month, her incredible personality and ability to love selflessly will always stay with me. They loved me how Christ loves; my journey will look very different from here on out because of them.
My hope is for my dear friends and family to experience the same joy over the freedom to be yourself. You were uniquely and wonderfully made with a distinct purpose on this earth. God has well-equipped you for this life--- you are more than enough.
Michael Gungor's "You Make Beautiful Things" was my theme song for the year. Listen to it if you get a chance. Much love to you all--
All this pain
I wonder if I'll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oyPBtExE4W0
Here's to a new year full of hope and joy!
1 comment:
I LOVE this post & love you, Rachel Ruth! I think so many of us can relate to the feelings you were going through. We (really I) need to remember to cling to Christ.
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