craziness.

I just realized that I never finished blogging about the retreat that I went on at the beginning of the month. I excitedly started writing that day, but the post ended up on a cranky note because of the day's events... But that wasn't the intention! Because the end of the weekend was an extremely profound moment that I'll keep with me forever. (Mind you, I'm writing this after eating lunch in 4th period, the sound of my co-teacher's voice seeping through the walls and so hopefully it won't lack the fervor I was hoping for in the first place...)

Back to the weekend--the last day found us worshipping in the woods. Literally. There was an area set up outside near the lake where we gathered after breakfast, towing a copy of our life story in hand. It was a beautifully breezy morning; we were surrounded by towering oak trees with moss hanging off the branches. I was brought back to the sweet moments of worship at camp as we'd gather around the wooden cross in the woods, resting and recharging to start another week with campers.

 I can't quite remember what our leader spoke about, but it was something along the lines of, "Okay, you've shared your story, so now what?" We were told that when we felt ready, we were to walk alone on a quiet path, eventually leading up to a cross near the lake where we'd nail our stories to the cross. I honestly was thinking that the exercise was a little lame and cliche, because Ive done something like it before where we wrote down our greatest 'sin' and nailed it to the cross as well. We started to pray on our own, and I could NOT for the life of me stay focused--- I wasn't sure what to pray for, kept getting distracted, etc. I finally stood up and got in line for my walk, and even then, I was distracted, but kept attempting to go back to the Lord, asking, "What are you trying to tell me right now? Where do you want me to go from here?"

Right when it was about to be my turn, a thought popped from nowhere into my head: I realized that I am crazy in love with my husband. It's not like I wasn't before, but just the thought of him filled my chest with a puppy kind of love-- like pitter patters and all that stuff. But the interesting thing was, right after that thought popped into my head (if you remember I was struggling that weekend with hearing stories of cheating husbands and internalizing all of that fear) the woman standing behind me says interrupts my thoughts and said,  "I strongly feel that in this moment that I'm supposed to tell you to TRUST your husband. That even though you're hearing all these crazy stories, the Lord wants you to love and trust him, that those stories of mistrust and decepotion aren't your own." i found it comforting that at the same time the random thought about Michael entered my head, the woman behind me had the same sort of revelation and felt compelled to share it.

 It was time to start walking the woods, alone. As I strolled I tried to imagine myself walking along with Jesus, like we're going on a hike in the woods. I reached the end of the path where a couple leaders were waiting, smiling and pointing towards the cross. And I kid you not, the strangest thing happened to me. All of the sudden, I felt emotions that I had when I crossed the threshold into the church on my wedding day and saw Michael waiting for me at the end of the altar. I truly felt like the Lord was whispering into my heart that I am His beloved first and foremost, and I literally felt like I was walking down the aisle again towards God waiting for me at the end. I was so overcome with emotion and felt so loved in that moment-- it was crazy! It was like everything came together-- not feeling adequate, not feeling loved or accepted....God wanted me to know in that moment that I am his beloved and He is so absolutely in love with me. I know it might sound weird to think of yourself as the bride of Christ, but this concept is backed up by scripture in the Bible- the Lord wants us to develop an intimate relationship with Him, much like you do with your husband on this earth.

Since that weekend, I kid you not-- my life is different in sweet, subtle ways. I feel freer, more alive-- like the Lord is making me into a new creation. These past couple of weeks He's tried to teach me what it's like to be in communion with him, through His Word, through prayer, through songs, community, people. It's been difficult to fully wrap my mind around. I'm responding to situations with a different perspective, more so out of love rather than the fear or anger that I harbored before.

Excited to see what else He has in store!