Quite the Weekend

I've been putting off writing how special this past weekend was to me, because I'm unsure I can even put it into words. But as I sit here sipping my Fat Tire and enjoying the sweet September breeze, watching everyone else go for a bike ride, I think I'll try. 

To start, last week was HORRENDOUS. Not even going to go there-- but I somewhat made a vow that it's time for a life change, whatever that means. 

The truth of the matter is, I'm so dependent on words of praise to function. I need to hear reassurance from Mike speaking words of love into my heart. I thrive on praise from work to know that I'm doing a great job. And when those words fail to come, I'm crushed. (Too bad for my poor, sweet husband who is a man of few words...) 

Working through my life story (I had to write down my ENTIRE life then share it with my group,) I've realized that my life has been filled with rejection. Although minor, and nothing compared to what the women in my group have faced, my identity was based on this feeling of inadequacy. 

I was partly raised by my wonderful Granny, who loved the heck out of me but was strict and critical towards my precocious self. Middle school, I was teased like crazy for being a dork- I dressed funny, I was in the gifted program-- I was just weird in general. High school, didn't quite get along with my volleyball coach (understatement of the century...) College, tried out for music education program. Twice. Rejected, twice. 

Teaching? FULL of rejection. Ha.

(Day three in attempting to write this post...) 

So bring all this rejection into a marriage, and you're going to have a girl who is easily triggered into feeling inadequate. And OH has it been an internal struggle. 

Wouldn't it be nice to say that this weekend freed me from every feeling lonely or not good enough ever again? Well, healing definitely occurred. But it's going to be a long process. Even as I sit here in bed, waiting for Hubs to come home from a work party, I can't help but feel, well, alone, even as I keep telling myself, 'Don't go to there.'  

Like I said, gonna be a long process. 

There's more to this story but I think I'm done for now.